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The information on this website is designed to offer self-care tips and recommendations based on evidence-based research and literature from professionals in each field. It is not intended to diagnose or treat any specific medical condition. Please consult with your healthcare provider before making any health-related decisions.
“I let this Vivint door-to-door salesman influence me to purchase a home security system.” My wife tells me over the phone. “Why did you say yes? Our home already has a security system?” I asked her, wiping the sweat from my forehead caused by the 135° Middle East heat. “It was a long day. I was tired, and he wouldn’t stop pushing.” She frustratingly explained. “But I realized it was a mistake, so I’m calling back to have their control panel removed.” Upon returning home from a combat deployment, I found out that the Vivint representative was upset about losing a client; his frustration was evident in his removal of the Vivint control panel. He never replaced the existing home security panel, left the hole in the wall with wires exposed, and cut the existing wires as short as possible, making it impossible to reinstall the current system. After this incident, I felt angry whenever I saw Vivint Home Security Signs on the lawn of a home in my neighborhood. This would trigger anger for some time until I learned to let go of this grudge. I processed my faulty thinking and did not allow the dubious behavior of this Vivint employee to impact my physical and mental health.
I label minor episodes such as this as micro-grudges. Whether micro or grandiose, holding on to a grudge creates physiologically damaging changes throughout the body when we continue to hold on to them. Overcoming a grudge can be one of the most challenging acts of one’s life. The natural need for survival influences our desire to see justice in the world. You often hear the phrase, “Isn’t Karma great.” In movies, we cheer when the villain gets what he deserves. We love revenge; it’s hardwired in us to believe that revenge is the only way to make things right. This craving for revenge flourishes in apathy, clouds opportunities for empathy, and spreads an infection of hate, leading to broken relationships and physical and mental health damage.
Obtaining knowledge of the physical and emotional impact of the body when one chooses to hold onto the grudge can aid one in overcoming a grudge. Some micro-grudges have a minor effect, such as anger toward policies of a political leader, a business, or something a Hollywood star tweeted, and larger grudges, such as a severe argument with a loved one, can develop a more profound, long-lasting pain. Micro-grudges over time build and larger grudges remain high at all times. But you can choose to change your brain’s automatic response and find growth opportunities as you overcome the resentment.
The Physiology of a Grudge
Our brain will automatically place a definition onto every stimulus it perceives. This definition is influenced by definitions that have been previously stored in the brain. This definition can trigger alertness to the grudge, activating the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS), also known as the fight, flight or freeze. The thalamus, hippocampus, and amygdala work together to develop this definition and influence the SNS’s fight or flight response.
The Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) Axis then affects a chemical reaction throughout the body. Cortisol, epinephrine, and norepinephrine are released into the bloodstream from the adrenal glands located above the kidneys. This creates a physiological change in the body. For example, pupils dilate, the mouth becomes dry, breathing becomes shallow, the heart rate increases, digestion shuts off, the bladder relaxes, and one’s ability to make accurate decisions decreases.
Our choice to hold on to the grudge and allow the SNS to continue to respond to the experience hinders our physical, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual well-being. For example, choosing to hold on to a grudge can increase chronic pain. The chemical response of the fight or flight creates minor inflammation throughout the body. Research has demonstrated that stress-induced inflammation would agitate pre-existing pain or illness already present within the body.
Choosing to hold on to a grudge results in aggressive behavior toward others. As the SNS remains active when focusing on the grudge, irritability increases, leading to more aggressive behavior toward all stimuli currently surrounding them. In his book Prisoners of Hate, Dr. Aaron T. Beck explains that when a stimulus triggers a response to an emotionally stored event, “our biological attack systems remain on high alert…faulty thinking and hostile aggression will influence our behavior”. Other past emotional experiences will come to light when we hold on to a grudge. Research from Boston College found that as the brain processes emotional events, the hippocampus and amygdala neuropathways will access different traumatic experiences to make sense of the situation. This will increase anger and anxiety, keeping the SNS and fight-or-flight active. And finally, a grudge maintains a continued damaged relationship. It prevents growth one can experience by mending, forgiving, and moving on from a situation that is in the past and cannot be changed.
Tips to Overcome a Grudge
Depending on the severity of the grudge, it can be exceedingly difficult to overcome. But the brain can change and relearn new ways of dealing with emotions. Here are a few tips to help you.
It would help if you first acknowledged that your emotional response to the grudge has been learned and programmed in your brain. You can unlearn this response and relearn a new healthy reaction that does not allow the SNS to remain activated. However, you cannot remove the memory. Traumatic events are stored and indexed with trillions of interconnections throughout your brain. You are learning to live with a past event. You cannot change what happened. Unless you have a time machine, and those do not exist.
You must analyze the event through the lens through which you perceive your purpose in life, meaning, values, and pursuit of happiness. In “A Man’s Search for Meaning,” Viktor Frankl explains that we must find “meaning in our sufferings.” Here is the secret to overcoming any stressor in life. What’s happened has happened, and we cannot go into the past and change it; we must make meaning of it and find a way to grow from it. Perceiving the grudge through the lens of our definition of the meaning of life helps us make meaning of the event to promote growth.
You must anticipate the stimulus that triggers the emotional memories of the grudge. Determine what situations trigger a reminder of the resentment, prepare yourself to counter the faulty thinking, and turn off the SNS. Techniques such as mindfulness, meditation, and diaphragmatic breathing will turn off the SNS, helping you relax and influencing poise, resulting in rational thinking and improved mental and physical well-being. Do what I call making meaning mindfulness. Don’t try and remove the emotional thoughts from your mind, as they are stored forever, and trying to remove them will add more stress, but analyze them and make sense of them in an optimistic, healthy approach.
The last tip, and maybe the most difficult, is communication. Suppose the grudge is with a family member or close friend. Talk to them, ask for forgiveness if needed, and begin to repair the relationship. Now, your grudge may not be against a specific person. It could be against a group or belief. In this case, I challenge you to hunt for kindness and conduct a random act of service for a stranger in this group. This act will begin to rewire the brain’s natural fight or flight response toward the group of people influencing the emotional grudge.
Maintaining a grudge is your choice. However, you have the power to take control of the automatic emotional responses to live in a more positive, healthy manner. Choose to live a life of joy. Do the hard things now, and the easy stuff will come later.
