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The information on this website is designed to offer self-care tips and recommendations based on evidence-based research and literature from professionals in each field. It is not intended to diagnose or treat any specific medical condition. Please consult with your healthcare provider before making any health-related decisions.
I used to get a bit of rage every time I saw a Vivint security sign in someone’s yard.
Not because of the brand, exactly, but because of what it represented to me: an unresolved wound I didn’t realize I was carrying.
It started years ago. I was deployed in combat overseas in the sweltering 125° heat and gave my wife a call to check in with her. Her voice was frustrated and tired.
“I let a Vivint salesman talk me into switching our home security system,” she said.
“Why? We already have one,” I replied, confused and trying to focus through the heat and fatigue.
“He just wouldn’t stop pushing. I was exhausted. I finally said yes so he’d leave,” she explained. “But I called back to cancel and have them remove it.”
That should have been the end of it. But when I returned from my deployment, I saw what the Vivint rep had done. Out of spite for losing the sale, he’d ripped the control panel from the wall, severed the wires down to stubs, and left a gaping hole where our old system once worked perfectly.
I felt violated. Angry. Powerless. It was a familiar surge of anger I often felt when being deployed in combat and hearing about businesses taking advantage of overly stressed military spouses.
From that day on, any time I saw their logo, I’d get a rush of frustration. Even years later, that small symbol, just a company sign, could ruin my day. That’s when I realized: I was holding a grudge. And it was holding me hostage.
It wasn’t until later that I realized the mental and physical effects a grudge can have on a person, and that I finally found peace and let the grudge go. In fact, I’ve even offered some of these door-to-door Vivint salesmen a drink of cold water when knocking on the door of our North Carolina home in the sweltering heat and humidity.
How I Let Go of the Vivint Grudge
Eventually, I realized: I was giving this company power over my peace. A year had passed, yet the Vivint ordeal was still in my head. I learned to reframe the experience. I couldn’t change what the Vivint rep did, but I could change how I responded. Instead of letting anger dictate my day, I permitted myself to feel it, then step away from it. I recognized that holding onto this grudge wasn’t a strength; it was a weight. That release didn’t excuse the behavior, and I will never do business with Vivint. But it freed me.
How Grudges Hurt You Physically
Research shows that holding onto a grudge disrupts the brain’s ability to regulate serotonin, a key chemical that stabilizes mood and emotion. This dysfunction makes it harder to manage emotional reactions and often results in a persistently lower mood. When something triggers the memory of the grudge, the brain treats it as a renewed threat, releasing a surge of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This stress response can hijack your mental clarity and flood the body with tension. Multiple studies confirm that prolonged exposure to these hormones increases the risk of both mental and physical health problems, including anxiety, depression, inflammation, and chronic illness. In short, the grudge stays in control, and your health pays the price.
How to Let Go of a Grudge (Even When It’s Rooted in Deeper Pain)
Letting go of a grudge doesn’t mean the other person wins. It doesn’t mean you’re condoning their behavior, forgetting what happened, or denying your pain. It means you’re choosing to care for yourself, especially the part of you that’s been silently hurting beneath the surface.
A grudge often stems from a mental protector part, a part of you that’s trying to keep you safe by holding onto anger, resentment, or a sense of justice. But beneath that protector is usually an inner wound, a younger, wounded version of yourself still carrying shame, grief, or fear from traumatic or difficult past experiences.
For me, that wound, fueling my grudge, was shame.
Shame that told me I had failed as a father and husband… because five combat deployments and countless training exercises pulled me away from my wife and children. The grudge I held against Vivint wasn’t just about a damaged wall or a pushy salesman. It was about control, powerlessness, and the belief that I couldn’t protect or provide when it mattered most.
These five steps offer a solution to dealing with a grudge:
1. Recognize the Grudge as a Protector Part
Awareness empowers us to see our emotional responses as parts of us, not the whole. The part that holds the grudge isn’t bad. It’s trying to help. Thank it. Then gently ask: What is this part protecting me from? Often, it’s shielding an inner wound that has never been fully acknowledged or addressed.
2. Offer Compassion to the Wound Beneath
When you connect with the part of yourself carrying shame, loneliness, or pain, offer it compassion. Speak to it like you would to a child who blames themselves for something outside their control. Let that part know you see it, you care for it, and you’re here now to protect it, with love, not resentment.
Letting go of the grudge becomes easier when you realize that the real healing isn’t between you and them, but rather between you and yourself.
3. Make Meaning of the Experience
As Viktor Frankl wrote, “When we can find meaning in suffering, it ceases to be suffering.” Ask yourself:
- What deeper wound is this grudge exposing?
- What can this experience teach me about my values?
- How can I grow stronger, not despite it, but because of it?
4. Anticipate Triggers and Respond with Curiosity
When reminders surface, a name, image, or memory, pause. Recognize the part of you that’s activated. Don’t push it away. Instead, ground yourself with diaphragmatic breathing, mindfulness, or gentle self-talk. I call this compassionate curiosity. You’re not trying to erase the memory. You’re learning to stay with it, understand it, and no longer fear it.
5. Repair What You Can, Release What You Can’t
If your grudge involves someone you can talk to, consider a conversation, an apology, or boundary-setting. If it’s toward a group or company, look for ways to release resentment, maybe even through a small act of kindness or service. It’s not about them. It’s about freeing yourself. I released my grudge by offering a cold glass of water to a Vivint salesman who showed up at my door in the hot North Carolina sun.
The day I let go of my Vivint grudge, I wasn’t giving in. I was giving myself peace. I was showing compassion to the younger part of me that still hurt.
You don’t have to carry that grudge any longer. You can meet the wounded part with kindness, let your protector step back, and reclaim your inner calm.
Letting go isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom. It’s healing. It’s power.
